Gosh, I Hope They Come With A "Time O' The Month Barbie"!

            Greetings to all of you carbon based life forms that have somehow reached the absolute dregs below the dregs of the interwebnet and ended up here!  All I can say is that you’ve come upon me during a most fortuitous moment in time!  Yes, that’s right!  I just finished reading Martin Short’s autobiography, I Must Say, and I myself must say that it was very charming and well done!  “What does that have to do with this post?” you might ask.   Allow me to reply with confidence, “Absolutely nothing!”  And now you’re angry and feel a possible need to do me bodily harm.  Golly, I wouldn’t blame you whatsoever but hey…as long as I’ve brought up bodily harm…

 

            Recently, toy manufacturer Mattel decided to do something that definitely shook the world.  So on a slow news day, where we just didn’t want to hear one more bloody thing about Donald Trump, the universe was informed that Mattel is now offering new body types of their long running Barbie® doll.  This even made the cover of the new Time magazine, which no one really reads anymore.  The new body types are going to be: petite, tall, and curvy.  Future body types will be offered depending on sales.  Doll body molds being considered are: spinster, dumpy, frumpy, “98 Cigarettes and a Bottle of Wine a Day”, and “Angry Taco Bell Night Manager”. 

 

MAD apparently forgot the Fatal Attraction Barbie.

            The world obviously responded with a hearty cheer!  This truly is a remarkable time to be a woman and how empowering this definitely is!  Definitely!  Yay?  Ahem.  Before we all get caught up in the swell of commentators who will most assuredly comment on this with their commenting comments, allow me to waste your time with a few thoughts on this non-news waste of your time.

 

            When I was a child, I loved action figures.  Still do, much to the chagrin of my wife, but that’s that.  My kids are now reaching an age where they want to play with action figures and toys of all types.  (This means I have an excuse to get more action figures for me, uh I mean, the children to play with.  Yes, the children.  Yep.  Not me.  Nope.  No way.) 

 

But back when the dinosaurs still roamed the earth, when I was a child seeking out a G.I. Joe or a M.A.S.K toy or a Batman action figure, did I seek out a Batman that looked just like my 9 year-old self and represented my then body type?  Nope.  Did I feel slighted because Kenner or Toy Biz didn’t offer such a toy that represented Batman as a 9 year-old?  Not at all.  Did I as a 9 year-old boy want to play with a 9 year-old boy Bruce Wayne toy?  Not a chance.  I wanted the full-blown idealized Batman in all his caped glory, with muscles and a utility belt and a Batmobile, beating the living hell out of the Joker.  This is far from reality, this is a fantasy, which is where toys should reside.

 



Can this car be any cooler to play with?  Why weren't real life versions ever sold?
 

            Do little kids really actually want reality in their toys?  Does market research prove this?  Is there a profit to be made with having say, a pudgy Wolverine action figure or a Wonder Woman that is petite?  Why own a Superman toy that resembles your dad’s 47 year-old second cousin after his 5^th beer?  Why drag that much reality into the toy world?  After all, my boys think that Thomas the Tank Engine can talk to them.  My daughter thinks that lightsabers are cool and dragons can fly.  This is not reality.  It is fantastical fun, plain and simple.  Why are we overthinking this?  Is this yet another area where oversensitive adults are spoiling something for kids?

 

             Are there actual women out there that think Barbie is just a morale killer and a self-image destroyer?  Of course as we live in an increasingly whiny society, I’m sure there must be, but c’mon. The girls that I knew that played with Barbie dolls just liked combing her hair and sticking different dresses on her.  I never heard one lass in 5^th grade say, “Barbie is the ideal image of woman.  I cannot reach the bar that was set by Mattel.  Now I will begin hating myself and I won’t stop.  Thanks for nothing.  Barbie, you are a plastic wench!”  Gosh, what a dour melodramatic child!

 

            Perhaps this is another case where boys and girls are wired differently.  Yet, in my heart of hearts at one point, I knew that Han Solo wasn’t a real person, Transformers weren’t comingling with real cars in the streets of my hometown, and the odds of Cobra getting a weather machine were astronomical, especially as long as Snake Eyes was there to stop them.  But I still played with the toys despite having these thoughts infiltrating my imagination.  Did little girls think that Strawberry Shortcake lived in a nearby garden patch, She-Ra was just an ocean away, and Jem and the Holograms would someday deserve a modern day retelling in film form because their story was so compelling?

 

            And who pray tell is supposed to be the ideal audience for these toys?  Does little Sally Jo really want to be reminded that the kids pick on her height when you give her a petite Barbie?  What kind of cruel grandmother does that?  Isn’t it bad enough that despite having no basketball skills, the suddenly 6ft tall in 6^th grade girl is not only forced to get on the team but is also handed a tall Barbie from her unthinking aunt as a totem of an unpleasant reminder of the sudden pre-teen growth spurt? 

 

Ye gods why is something so simple being overthought and ruined?  Are there little boys on the chubby side that refuse Batman toys, but just want Penguin figures because they identify with him instead?  Nope.  And they probably hate umbrellas to boot.  These parents need to stop being so thin skinned.  If your child didn’t turn out right, the chances are that Spider-Man Lego set had nothing to do with it.  If your daughter is at an emotional crossroads and her fragile ego takes everything personally, this is known as puberty and the Barbie playset had nothing to do with it.  Just take a step back.  Enjoy the fresh air and leave Superman and Barbie and the rest be their stylized fantastical personalities.

 

"Hey Pengy!  Kool-Aid Man sends his best!"

 

            What’s next?  I already have a patent on an Easy-Bake oven that shows not only the evils of Monsanto but also the wonders of a gluten-free diet.  Perhaps we could have Colorforms that depict real life burn victims.  Why not have spayed Thundercats or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles infecting kids with salmonella left and right?  Maybe we should have a Simon that consists of the same four colors and same four sounds so kids won’t be taxed or forced to think.  A Rubik’s Cube with six sides of the same color would fit this mold too.  G.I. Joe could be all about enforcing sanctions sporadically at the whims of an indecisive state department.
 

            At the end of the day, don’t take away the fantasy from toys.  Little girls don’t need to be reminded of the realities of the human body because they see their realistic Barbie.  Little boys don’t need to know that holding a sword aloft whilst screaming “By the power of Grayskull!” produces nothing but an echo and that’s all.  Let the kids be princesses and jedis and let them play.  Little kids don’t need their imaginations stunted and their lives evaluated by the time they are 10.  After all, isn’t that what high school is for?  So let nature take its course and let Barbie retire to her Malibu Dream House without having to worry if the taller version of herself fits in the pink and purple Corvette.

C'mon Mel, Let's Get Spaceballs 2 Going Soon!

            Every once in a great while, my wife and I manage to get out of the house sans children.  Usually it comes in the form of one of us taking the garbage out whilst the other one gets the mail.  We treasure these moments of sheer unadulterated bliss.  But soft, the dawn comes in the form of the pups we have brought forth on the earth and our encounters like this must be extinguished quickly. 

            But in ever rarer circumstances, we actually get someone to watch the children for extended periods of time.  This is a task not for the faint of heart or even the heart of faint, but after throwing fistfuls of cash at the sitter and leaving plenty of goldfish snacks in our wake, we can go out!  My wife and I even decided to try something that I’ve heard is recently trending among the twittering young folk or “twits” for short: dinner and a movie.

            What should catch my wandering eye at the cinegoogleplex?  Well, I heard that there was a new film from a fledgling young filmmaker that might need my assistance at the box office.  After all, I want nothing but bonhomie for this struggling little cinematic enterprise and golly, I just want to help in any way that I can.  Oh, all right we went to see Star Wars: The Cash Register Awakens.  Take my money now, here just take it.

 

This is more of Mark Hamill than you'll ever see in the movie.

 

            No, we weren’t part of the herd of zealots that were camping out weeks in advance, dressed up in their 4-LOM outfits as sad looking jedis hide their paunches while staging lightsaber fights for the ever smirking local news cameras filming a fill-in for the night broadcast.  Instead we waited a couple of weeks later in the hopes that the crowds had dimmed somewhat…and there still was an almost sellout crowd.  Ye gods people, really?  Is there such a dearth of entertainment in your life that you’re still going to see this thing?  Actually, for us it almost came down to our seeing The Hateful Eight instead, but as Tarantino manages to fill approximately 3 hours with chatty cowboys, we took a pass to go see X-Wing fighters mindlessly shooting things in a shorter runtime instead.  Hey, babysitters with nerves of steel ain’t cheap!

 

Okay, here's 4-LOM, as if you didn't remember him from Empire.

 

            So what about this Star Wars: The Bottomless Sack Of Cash Awakens?  Well, let’s get the positives out of the way first and no, as I am not 8 years old, I don’t bother with spoiler alerts.  Suck it up buttercup, I’m going in full throttle and that ought to keep those whiners off my back.

            The two actors that were brought in to play our two new heroes aren’t bad and I actually grew to like them as the movie continued.  This says a lot in our day and age and the fact that I have a heart of granite when it comes to new faces on the screen.  But actually I wasn’t angered by them and am willing to give them a chance.  Of course I won’t bother to look up their names but British Girl and Black Ex-Stormtrooper Dude, you were both just fine!

            I’d pay just to see an hour of the Millennium Falcon fly in space and shoot things.  No, really, just have that ship fly all over the screen and the only complaint I’d have would be that the movie ended and there was no more Falcon footage.  I’m actually ticked off that there wasn’t any screen time devoted to that ship in the Captain America: Civil War trailer that preceded the movie.  C’mon you’re all Disney now, let’s get some damn parsecs run in the Marvel U! 

The single greatest toy in the history of the world.  Although I only had one Stormtrooper, which made invasions hard.

 

            Always willing to see more banter with Han Solo and Chewbacca too, so this was a welcome sight.  Why we never got a side movie just based on their adventures, I will never know.  A missed opportunity.  Wait, there is the Holiday Special, isn’t there?  Well, that’s fun too!  Yay!

            Also the new droid is cute, I get it.  Yet I wasn’t annoyed.  I should have been, truly.  But I wasn’t and I’m not sure if I like that aspect of my usually cynical hide crumbling like stale bread when confronted with an adorable basketball that beeps.

            Okay, that should just about wrap things up with the rainbows and puppies!  I have a feeling that this movie is just going to end up being another one of those “Hmmmm…on second viewing…this isn’t that great” movies.  Sure, people are just wetting themselves over seeing a new Star Wars in the theater, but the prequels and the special editions got the same reaction.  Let’s face it: we haven’t gotten a good Star Wars movie since 1983 and that is only because we rewrote history regarding our responses to Jedi because the prequels were far worse.  This means that we haven’t really had a great Star Wars movie since 1980.  Nineteen hundred and eighty.  Yeah, that’s a while.

            Now, is this movie great?  Nope.  Sure, I was entertained, but I was never pulled into this story like I was in the originals.  Yeah, I know that I was in single digits and there will always be a feeling of nostalgic magic with the original trilogy, but all I ask is to be drawn into these movies and I always had a feeling of disconnect with this latest one.

            Too many plot holes would be one big problem I had.  So this Rey character who has never even bothered with the force before going on this adventure, suddenly knows that she can mind control like the wizened Ben Kenobi and fully trained Luke Skywalker could?  Ahem, how exactly?  I can believe that perhaps she taps into the force in a moment of emotional chaos like when she was being attacked or something, but being able to nonchalantly control the weak-minded?  Uh, no.  Also she never picked up a lightsaber before and she can successfully fight someone who has received training?  Uh, no again.  I’m sure this was supposed to raise questions for later movies, but instead I’m just an angry theater patron at that point.  Just say she’s Luke daughter and be done with it, okay?

            The First Order never learned from the Empire did they?  Still making huge laser beams from places with known weaknesses.  Also they just made their Death Star a Death Planet and harnessed a sun’s energy to create a planet-destroying beam of energy.  This is exactly the power that was talked about in Plan Nine from Outer Space.  Yep, this means that Ed Wood’s plot points were stolen by J.J. Abrams.  Just plain awesome.  Oh, and thanks for tacking on the Episode 4 & 6 “do or die space mission to blow up the Death Star” ending here too.  I guess when you can’t think of a finale other than staring at Mark Hamill, this is the safest route to go.

Old Han Lego figure.  Nothing is more depressing.
 

            Also don’t think that I wasn’t going to notice there was no explanation as to how Poe Dameron got back to the Resistance forces after crashing that TIE fighter with Finn on Jakku.  Yeah, there was quite the hubbub to get off of that planet with Rey and Finn, but Poe just managed to hotshot his way out of there?  Somehow?  I cannot believe I’m remembering these characters names.

            Speaking of which, as they were heavily marketed with their toys and nonsense before Christmas, Captain Phasma and Kylo Ren, I’ve got a bone to pick.  Phasma apparently is all shiny, was featured heavily in promos, and is at least voiced by a woman.  Beyond that we know that she is shiny and gets a blaster pointed at the back of her head during her amazing 6 minutes of screen time.  Oh, and I guess she’s evil.  I think.

            As for the delinquent son of Han and Leia, yeah, you’re a brat, that’s all.  Then again with Anakin as your grandfather, I suppose whiny tantrums run in your family.  Do I believe for a second this little wanker killed Han?  No.  Do I believe a contract where Ford didn’t want to do more of these?  Yep.  So as contracts dictate plot, contracts for the win!  Also, your voice modulator thingy is amazingly grating.  Stop using it.  Please.

            Why are there the remains of Star Destroyers and the like on Jakku?  Is this ever explained?  Why is there so much to scavenge?  Was there a terrific battle that we never heard about?  I mean the trailers just hammered this footage home every single time, I had hoped that it was plot-related…but nope.  Is Jakku the planet that Endor was a moon for?  Did Kylo Ren slaughter ewoks to get his grandfather’s melted helmet?  Agh.

            You go the trouble of dragging Max Von Sydow into this movie and you kill him in the first ten minutes?!  Max Von Sydow played chess with death and this is what you do to him?  You also drag John Williams to score this thing and you don’t let him create anything memorable in it.  Also, Chewie wouldn’t walk with Rey up the stone steps to see his good friend Luke at the end of the movie?  I can understand R2 and 3PO not making the trek, but the Wookiee can’t make it?

            Okay, now I’m getting nitpicky.  But I should hope that after all the time and effort that the product would be better.  Is this worse than the prequels?  Oh, no, not at all.  But almost anything is better than the prequels.  Even Star Trek V is better, oh yes it is.  But perhaps the most glaring thing I noticed with Star Wars: My Empty Wallet Awakens, is that the movie seemed rushed and the ending was just tacked on.  It is almost like Abrams took so much time developing the new characters and then clocked the runtime, noticing that he had to get to blowing stuff up/Han dying plot moments.

            We left the theater realizing the sum didn’t add up from the parts and decided to go home.  Sure it was a Star Wars movie, but it wasn’t really that either.  I am hoping that a lot of Lawrence Kasdan’s ideas were thrown aside, because I expect better from him too.  But it could have been worse.  This movie could have been Spectre.  I don’t think I could have taken it, if it were.

            Oh and would it have killed you to get 20^th Century Fox’s fanfare for this one?  It would have been worth the money.  At least the Disney logo was nowhere to be found but their presence was felt, being the dark empire as it is.  Perhaps the next movie would have a bunch of X-Wings fighting Disneyland.  Now that’s a great plot idea!  Where’s J.J.?

Isn't this the most chilling image you've ever seen?