Gosh, I Hope They Come With A "Time O' The Month Barbie"!

            Greetings to all of you carbon based life forms that have somehow reached the absolute dregs below the dregs of the interwebnet and ended up here!  All I can say is that you’ve come upon me during a most fortuitous moment in time!  Yes, that’s right!  I just finished reading Martin Short’s autobiography, I Must Say, and I myself must say that it was very charming and well done!  “What does that have to do with this post?” you might ask.   Allow me to reply with confidence, “Absolutely nothing!”  And now you’re angry and feel a possible need to do me bodily harm.  Golly, I wouldn’t blame you whatsoever but hey…as long as I’ve brought up bodily harm…

 

            Recently, toy manufacturer Mattel decided to do something that definitely shook the world.  So on a slow news day, where we just didn’t want to hear one more bloody thing about Donald Trump, the universe was informed that Mattel is now offering new body types of their long running Barbie® doll.  This even made the cover of the new Time magazine, which no one really reads anymore.  The new body types are going to be: petite, tall, and curvy.  Future body types will be offered depending on sales.  Doll body molds being considered are: spinster, dumpy, frumpy, “98 Cigarettes and a Bottle of Wine a Day”, and “Angry Taco Bell Night Manager”. 

 

MAD apparently forgot the Fatal Attraction Barbie.

            The world obviously responded with a hearty cheer!  This truly is a remarkable time to be a woman and how empowering this definitely is!  Definitely!  Yay?  Ahem.  Before we all get caught up in the swell of commentators who will most assuredly comment on this with their commenting comments, allow me to waste your time with a few thoughts on this non-news waste of your time.

 

            When I was a child, I loved action figures.  Still do, much to the chagrin of my wife, but that’s that.  My kids are now reaching an age where they want to play with action figures and toys of all types.  (This means I have an excuse to get more action figures for me, uh I mean, the children to play with.  Yes, the children.  Yep.  Not me.  Nope.  No way.) 

 

But back when the dinosaurs still roamed the earth, when I was a child seeking out a G.I. Joe or a M.A.S.K toy or a Batman action figure, did I seek out a Batman that looked just like my 9 year-old self and represented my then body type?  Nope.  Did I feel slighted because Kenner or Toy Biz didn’t offer such a toy that represented Batman as a 9 year-old?  Not at all.  Did I as a 9 year-old boy want to play with a 9 year-old boy Bruce Wayne toy?  Not a chance.  I wanted the full-blown idealized Batman in all his caped glory, with muscles and a utility belt and a Batmobile, beating the living hell out of the Joker.  This is far from reality, this is a fantasy, which is where toys should reside.

 



Can this car be any cooler to play with?  Why weren't real life versions ever sold?
 

            Do little kids really actually want reality in their toys?  Does market research prove this?  Is there a profit to be made with having say, a pudgy Wolverine action figure or a Wonder Woman that is petite?  Why own a Superman toy that resembles your dad’s 47 year-old second cousin after his 5^th beer?  Why drag that much reality into the toy world?  After all, my boys think that Thomas the Tank Engine can talk to them.  My daughter thinks that lightsabers are cool and dragons can fly.  This is not reality.  It is fantastical fun, plain and simple.  Why are we overthinking this?  Is this yet another area where oversensitive adults are spoiling something for kids?

 

             Are there actual women out there that think Barbie is just a morale killer and a self-image destroyer?  Of course as we live in an increasingly whiny society, I’m sure there must be, but c’mon. The girls that I knew that played with Barbie dolls just liked combing her hair and sticking different dresses on her.  I never heard one lass in 5^th grade say, “Barbie is the ideal image of woman.  I cannot reach the bar that was set by Mattel.  Now I will begin hating myself and I won’t stop.  Thanks for nothing.  Barbie, you are a plastic wench!”  Gosh, what a dour melodramatic child!

 

            Perhaps this is another case where boys and girls are wired differently.  Yet, in my heart of hearts at one point, I knew that Han Solo wasn’t a real person, Transformers weren’t comingling with real cars in the streets of my hometown, and the odds of Cobra getting a weather machine were astronomical, especially as long as Snake Eyes was there to stop them.  But I still played with the toys despite having these thoughts infiltrating my imagination.  Did little girls think that Strawberry Shortcake lived in a nearby garden patch, She-Ra was just an ocean away, and Jem and the Holograms would someday deserve a modern day retelling in film form because their story was so compelling?

 

            And who pray tell is supposed to be the ideal audience for these toys?  Does little Sally Jo really want to be reminded that the kids pick on her height when you give her a petite Barbie?  What kind of cruel grandmother does that?  Isn’t it bad enough that despite having no basketball skills, the suddenly 6ft tall in 6^th grade girl is not only forced to get on the team but is also handed a tall Barbie from her unthinking aunt as a totem of an unpleasant reminder of the sudden pre-teen growth spurt? 

 

Ye gods why is something so simple being overthought and ruined?  Are there little boys on the chubby side that refuse Batman toys, but just want Penguin figures because they identify with him instead?  Nope.  And they probably hate umbrellas to boot.  These parents need to stop being so thin skinned.  If your child didn’t turn out right, the chances are that Spider-Man Lego set had nothing to do with it.  If your daughter is at an emotional crossroads and her fragile ego takes everything personally, this is known as puberty and the Barbie playset had nothing to do with it.  Just take a step back.  Enjoy the fresh air and leave Superman and Barbie and the rest be their stylized fantastical personalities.

 

"Hey Pengy!  Kool-Aid Man sends his best!"

 

            What’s next?  I already have a patent on an Easy-Bake oven that shows not only the evils of Monsanto but also the wonders of a gluten-free diet.  Perhaps we could have Colorforms that depict real life burn victims.  Why not have spayed Thundercats or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles infecting kids with salmonella left and right?  Maybe we should have a Simon that consists of the same four colors and same four sounds so kids won’t be taxed or forced to think.  A Rubik’s Cube with six sides of the same color would fit this mold too.  G.I. Joe could be all about enforcing sanctions sporadically at the whims of an indecisive state department.
 

            At the end of the day, don’t take away the fantasy from toys.  Little girls don’t need to be reminded of the realities of the human body because they see their realistic Barbie.  Little boys don’t need to know that holding a sword aloft whilst screaming “By the power of Grayskull!” produces nothing but an echo and that’s all.  Let the kids be princesses and jedis and let them play.  Little kids don’t need their imaginations stunted and their lives evaluated by the time they are 10.  After all, isn’t that what high school is for?  So let nature take its course and let Barbie retire to her Malibu Dream House without having to worry if the taller version of herself fits in the pink and purple Corvette.