After spending what I believe to be the appropriate amount
of time to mourn the loss of the wonderful Christopher Lee, I have decided much
to the appreciative chagrin of my semi-adoring public to return to write yet
another irreverent and scattershot post.
Before I get started however, I just wanted to reiterate what a loss not
having Christopher Lee around is to this world.
He was such a delight onscreen in any number of roles. My only hope is that his passing is only
temporary and that at some time in some vague European nation some weary
travelers will make the mistake of staying at the wrong castle and a devoted
servant will use them as the bloody means to resurrect Lee from the grave. Of course then Peter Cushing will have to be
resurrected to kill him all over again, but what a ride that would be!
Thank you
for indulging my initial digression and let me get to the meat of what I wanted
to write about today. At some point in
your life, you may find yourself living in a house that you are attempting to
own despite voluminous mortgage bills and property tax payments. This house may be blessed with a deck
somewhere on it. The previous owner
might have been just great and slathered on a layer of dirt cheap paint to make
everything look good enough to sell but not to last beyond 2 days after the
house sale closed. This might be good
enough for a time, but then if you’re extremely blessed, you might have a wife
that continually says, “Wouldn’t it be great if the deck were repainted!” You might even reply with an agreement as I
did that went along these lines: “Yep, Honeybunch! That sure would be nice if that deck were
repainted!” You then might be dealt a
stare that would drive all the warmth from your body due to the day of
reckoning atmosphere that accompanies it.
You then might think: “Oh, no.”
Well, if
you happen to be the poor sod that is stuck with such a dilemma, fear not! For I am a survivor of such an ordeal and am
living just long enough to give all of you some tips and tricks on how to get
out of staining your deck. Whoops! Please replace “out of” in the previous
sentence and replace it with “started on”.
I forgot my wife sometimes reads these posts and she’s probably reading
this sentence right now. Hi, dear! Doesn’t the deck look great? Whew, I think she’s gone now, so here we go!
·
When I asked a friend of mine who owns a
painting company what would be the best way to attack repainting/staining a
deck, his first response was “Get rid of the deck.” He did have a point. After all, I live in Wisconsin, which does
get to experience the effects of a season known as winter some six months out
of a year. If we’re lucky, sometimes
even more! Why in the name of Cthulhu
would one own a deck in the Dairyland? However
my wife wouldn’t buy my “accidentally” destroying the deck even with my vast
technological ineptitudeness at my disposal.
The chances of a tornado just taking the deck out are slim and a fire
would be hard to control with such precision, but never say die. Perhaps if I hired some guys to dismantle it
while my wife was out and when she asked about it, I would reply bravely, “What
deck? This house never had one! Why do you think we got such a deal?!” But that would never work as the kids would
rat me out in a heartbeat, the little punks!
·
Realize that the people that suggest the deck
needs repainting are never the ones eager to grab a brush or slosh a roller
down. Just understand that! You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and
anger by avoiding the clever retort, “Oh yeah, well why don’t you do it!” Not that I can speak from experience, but I
bet my grandmother would have grabbed that brush and would have done a better
job than me. Hmmm…come to think of it,
let me revise this thought. Challenge
anyone that you think could do a better job than you at painting a deck. You’ve got a 50/50 shot of getting out of
doing it yourself.
·
Speaking of not doing it yourself, don’t let
yourself be talked out of hiring someone else to do this task. Although I did find it odd that when I
mentioned the deck painting to the painting company friend, he didn’t violently
leap at the idea of getting paid to do it for me. Quite the contrary in fact. However, there’s nothing quite like the
satisfaction that comes from a job well done…by someone you’ve hired.
·
If you dare your wife that you’ll paint the deck
but only if she picks up the paint in the color she wants, you will have that
brush in your hand quicker than you can say “Sherwin Williams”. You won’t get to the “Williams”. Even with having to drag 3 children under the
age of 5 into a Home Depot, she’ll have 9 gallons of paint waiting for you when
you get home from work that very day.
Again, this is purely hypothetical and has nothing per se to do with my
individual set of circumstances of course.
·
Delay tactics are a must at this point. Even if there is a hint of rain coming from
two states over, bring it up and say something along the lines of “Oh, shoot! Sweetie, I just don’t want to waste the paint
and have it all wash away!” This will
work a surprising amount of times.
Unless of course your wife gets a smartphone, links up to three
different weather sites, and calls up the local weatherman every 6 minutes to
get her personal “Weather on the sixes, because the eights take too long”
reports. At this point, you are
defeated. The only available out is if
you can come up with a plausible arm break.
Inevitably failing that train of thought, prepare for paint day!
·
You might think that you have supplies for the forthcoming
day of painting and you probably do, but they won’t be enough. Oh no.
The cost of the paint was cheap compared to the brushes, rollers, roller
brushes, brusher rollers, stirring sticks, brush extension poles, brushes,
paint trays, paint tray liners, knee pads, brushes, handheld paint cup,
handheld paint cup liners, brushes, paint remover, and of course brushes you’ll
need. Also, be sure that your paint is
far too thick to make the use of a sprayer effective in any way, shape, or
form.
·
Also if you think something would be great to be
covered with a roller, grab the hand brush because the roller will work like
garbage. If you think something would be
best covered with a brush, you’re right.
Who would have thought that after all this time, the paintbrush would be
the best application for getting paint on things? So why’d you buy all that other stuff? You fool!
Take it back to the store and get a refun…oh, wait. You say that everything’s covered in paint
because you tried to use it? Oh, well, that’s
different. You’re screwed. Never mind.
·
Examine your deck. Did the builder make simple railings that
were easily accessible from all angles?
No, of course they didn’t. Never
in a bazillion years would they ever think to do that! I happened to have some sort of double decker
railing with little 2 X 2 supports in-between them that were not only
impossible to effectively paint, but they were also impossible to paint
effectively too. I think if they had the
option, they would have hired those carvers that make ornate sculptures out of
elephant tusks to work on the wood as well.
·
Given your concern over the weather being a
factor in your painting experience, have you ensured that the day will be breathtakingly
scorchingly hot? Please do so. If you start to feel sick while out there for
hours on end, don’t worry. You’re just
experiencing the effects of heatstroke combined with inhaling paint fumes from
8 AM until 5:30 PM. Other than that, you
are fine! Keep pushing that brush,
slacker!
·
If your wife gives you a tasty sandwich and a
nice cool beverage as a pit stop after your hours of painting and you then
immediately hear a loud thunderclap, please be sure to laugh
uncontrollably. You’ve earned that
release, partner! If you are extremely
fortunate, the rain will come down in drenching sheets and you will laugh even
louder. Let the laughter heal you. Doing so will prevent you from strangling the
first person that asks you, “Hey, how’s the painting going?”
·
Now if you’re like me and I know I am, you’ll
want to make sure that you’ve covered all bits of the old paint job so that nothing
shows through. At this point, be assured
that you’ll discover that you definitely have a form of OCD! I never even knew I had it this badly despite
my need to alphabetize and chronologicalize everything I own. Even my children cannot be addressed out of
order. I never thought that I could get
nightmares about having to touch up a deck, but I just kept on learning new
things through this experience! A good
way to battle this problem is to have plenty of ice cold beer around! Sure, the paint won’t be spread as evenly but
you’ll start to care less and less. Also
alcohol is a scientifically proven thirst quencher. Science: The Stuff You Think You Know!
·
After the end of the third day spent painting, when
you’ve used the last bit of your current gallon after a rationing effort that
mirrors how you’d dole out the remaining fresh water while stuck in a lifeboat,
definitely take a moment to sit back now.
You’re done! Take a well-deserved
break. Sit in the shade and just admire
your handiwork. I bet you never thought
you had it in you! I bet you never
thought that it would never turn out looking that good! Better yet, call your wife over to share in
this moment. Perhaps you’ll be fortunate
enough to have her bring up certain areas that still need touching up. Take a well-deserved moment to cry. Start blubbering like a toddler that was told
that Thomas the Tank Engine was killed in a horrible derailment accident. If you don’t have kids and/or that Thomas illustration
won’t suffice, try crying like Howard Dean.
·
I suggest using nothing short of an industrial belt
sander to help you remove the paint that now covers 86.9% of your body. Those cute antibacterial soaps that smell
like woodland fairy flatulence are nice and all, but they cannot remove paint
whatsoever. If you cannot find a soap
that works for you, simply shave the skin away.
At least the scar tissue will be clean of paint and you’ll have a
physical memory of your deck painting adventure!
No comments:
Post a Comment