Holy cow! I cannot believe it has been that long since I have posted on this wubbulous blog! Then again, after the magic that was 2019’s Shaft, what more could be said? Simply put, it was the best movie of the entire year, perhaps the decade. Of course, it won’t get the love of the award-mongers, but those people just want to get invited to film premieres, so their opinions mean worse than nothing.
Speaking of people that just want to get invited to premieres, I want to talk about Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of the Attempt to Erase Episode VIII. I know it is a new year, but since hardly anyone is talking about Star Wars given the lack of hype or interest or rewatchability, I might as well take up the challenge and be the lone voice in the desert.
|Could even the late Paul Lynde have saved Episode IX?|
My bride and I once again lured a babysitter to watch over our brood and instead of taking advantage of the situation, we decided to go to see Star Wars: Plan IX from Outer Space. We ordered some Brobdingnagian-sized burgers and some healthy flagons of ale from the cinema bistro. Everything was delicious except the Samuel Adams IPA I ordered by mistake. To me IPAs taste like someone poured Windex into a beer because they enjoy the disinfectant aftertaste. Still a beer is a beer and a Star Wars movie is a Star Wars movie, so why not.
|Yes, this was the original title. Yes, this film makes more sense.|
My wife asked the waiter what the audience reaction has been for this movie. The gent hesitantly replied, “It’s been okay. I think fans will like it. I didn’t mind it. Leave me alone now so I can get your fries!” and then he ran away. With that vote of supreme confidence, we tucked into our food and after 45 minutes of uninspiring trailers, the movie began!
Now, like I did with The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, here are some random thoughts that occurred to me during this film. They are arranged in no particular order and are laced with spoilers throughout. This new trilogy has been pretty spoiled already, so it shouldn’t matter. And with that incredibly easy and poorly written joke, let’s dive into the many confusing moments of The Rise of Skywalker!
|"Why yes, I am pictured in the dictionary under "Smooth"."|
This is Keri Russell.
I definitely would have remembered seeing her if she was in this movie.
|Where the hell is the Lobot Star Wars movie? Where?!|
|The Emperor learned even more schemes from these nefarious con men!|
|Hmmm...still think that Borg Queen Palpatine remark was off?|
|If it helps, Wedge was my favorite character in the Disney sequel trilogy.|
Imagine if a storyline was in place from the get-go. They knew they wanted to do a new trilogy with legacy characters popping in. They had incredible amounts of goodwill prior to starting. And even after the mind-boggling success of The Force Awakens, they still didn’t have a firm storyline in place. Oh they had ideas, but the producer didn’t set them in stone and instead allowed whatever creative team do whatever with each installment.
Now this is fine with something like Rogue One, a standalone story, independent of the Episode saga. But even George Lucas had a plot outline for the prequels, a trilogy that certainly had its fair share of other problems. Lucas and Rick McCallum stuck with the story that they had and saw it through to the end, such as it was.
Kathleen Kennedy could have been that firm hand, but it didn’t happen. She could have allowed for three years for development between installments, like 20th Century Fox and Lucasfilm did in the past, but she didn’t. She could have had a fixed story in mind and had subsequent directors follow it, but she didn’t. Instead we ended up with a soft reboot of A New Hope, a follow-up that said plot threads hinted at in the previous movie were worthless, and a follow-up to that follow-up that said the first follow-up was wrong and now we’re done! Explosions! A new cute droid! Yay!
|Yeah, Carrie is best remembered in this way instead.|