Hello and
welcome back to the most pleasant blog in the whole wonderful world wide webnet! After taking the majority of May off to
pursue other interests, such as getting caught up on reading the instruction
manual to my car stereo and killing moles in my lawn with the ruthless
efficiency of Stalin’s NKVD, there was a story that came up that was so
compelling, I believe it needs addressing.
This story
was a feature during the broadcast of the most objective, reliable and thorough
morning news show in the country, let alone the Milky Way: Good Morning America or GMA
as their many tens of fans call it for short.
I mean how could there be any kind of conflict of interest whatsoever
when George Stephanopoulos has to report on anything revolving around the
Clinton family? I’m sure he’s as
unbiased as they come! (Kids, check out Wikipedia
or *shudder* an actual book regarding those wacky Clintons to see why my
sarcasm is cascading over the top of the cup at this moment.) Aside from bushel baskets full of money, I
don’t see how ABC got Robin Roberts over to this AM dog and pony show. I mean with the flimsy and sometimes
laughable façade of journalistic integrity at ESPN, Roberts always was a head
above the rest over there. Why would she
leave that? Aside from being offered the
boatloads of cash, I mean.
Anyway,
this titan among the morning broadcast journalism shows, which my wife can
stand for some goshawful reason that I know I never saw coming when I married
her, had reported about a woman from the U.S. who was killed by a lion at an
animal park in South Africa. While I in
no way want to belittle this tragedy (even though I am with good reason going
to do so before my post is over), it appears that the woman was killed because
in order to take a better picture, she had rolled her car window down all the
way and a lion lunged and attacked her.
Ahem. Let that sink in for a
moment: “she had rolled her car window
down all the way and a lion lunged and attacked her.” I think right there the moment has arrived where
Darwin’s theories get the juice of proof from the fruit of actions like these.
Aside from blaming the lion, which
is the obvious oblivious reaction to be sure, let us reconsider while I take
the admittedly revolutionary tack of blaming the victim. Oh sure, I can hear some of you saying now, “WHAT?!? All victims are pure and blameless creatures
of bad luck and horrible timing, right?
How dare you, you hater! #lionvictimsrightsnow (Insert Random Emoticon of Disapproval Here).” Okay, I know none of you really said that,
but I’ll play devil’s advocate anyways.
This was not an infant or a child or a mentally challenged individual,
all of whom know nothing about lions aside from fuzzy cubs and cuddly toys,
that was killed. This was presumably a
full grown adult female that went to South Africa, now that it is all nice and
joyous there, in order to witness full grown wild animals in a park. She had to have some idea that lions were
dangerous no matter how many times she saw The
Wizard of Oz, right? Right?
Of course since this was a U.S.
citizen, the question was immediately raised about the safety of the park. Because no one cares if some random Belgian
takes a header into a bear pit, but heaven forbid an apple pie eating American
doesn’t know how car windows work. The
South African park officials said that their rules for visitors actually had to
include the heretofore unneeded edict: “Don’t Roll Your Windows Down”. Amazingly, this actually had to be told to
tourists with a straight face conceivably along with the similar edicts of
“Don’t Pet The Rhinos” and “Don’t Ride The Cheetahs”.
The bottom line is that nature is
trying to kill human beings. No matter
how you slice it, nature wants to maul you and leave your carcass hanging in a
tree, ripping your skull out to keep as a trophy while camouflaging itself in
the jungle to hunt down Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura. Perhaps this isn’t how nature works at all
now that I think about it. At least it
wouldn’t have that good of a soundtrack.
Hmm. Mayhap I should rethink some
of the ground rules when dealing with our soulless friends of nature. And no, I don’t just mean PETA. And as always, you are welcome!
1.
Don’t roll down your car window when near large
cats that can kill you. This includes lions,
tigers, pumas, mountain lions, cheetahs, any cast member of the show Cats, leopards, panthers, Garfield, lynxes,
Persian cats, saber-toothed tigers, bobcats, wildcats, any sports team that had
to change from their Native American mascots over to a random cat icon instead,
Snagglepuss, and rabid feral kittens. I
know what you’re going to say because I’m writing words into your fictional mouths,
but as werewolves are canines, they do not apply to this rule.
2.
Orcas are just plain old killer whales that got
a better PR firm to handle them. They
are still killers no matter how they want to soften their image. Now they want to say that they are just big
dolphins? Sure, sure. Whatever you say. I still remember that you’re the real reason
Richard Harris died.
3.
As long as we’re in the ocean, don’t open your
shark cage for any reason, unless of course you want to get a clearer picture. What, too soon?
4.
Don’t flush your still living
crocodile/alligator/caiman into the toilet.
I don’t want to get my wedding tackle bitten off one day by a sewer-bred
goliath that is seeking revenge on little Billy who once went to Orlando on
vacation. Gently eliminate your reptile
baby by seeking out a blender and going all Gremlins
on its scaly rear. Then flush it.
5.
How close exactly do you want to get to a bison
in the wild? Every year there seems to
be some buffoon that is looking to get up close, seemingly trying to ride one
of these things. Did you notice the
horns? Did you ever see Dances With Wolves? Oh, you did?
Sorry to hear that. Well, enjoy
the time you have left by not grabbing a tatonka selfie.
6.
Ah, bears.
Remember point number 1? Okay,
well then ibid the hell out of it because the same applies here. Do yourself a favor and see the 1997 movie The Edge with Anthony Hopkins. Realize these facts:
a.
Elle Macpherson was actually in a David Mamet-penned
movie.
b.
No one would say dialogue like this when stuck
in an actual bear attack or an actual bear attack movie. I’ve seen Grizzly
and no one is pontificating that much onscreen.
c.
Did you see fact #a? It is true!
And she plays a supermodel! No,
really!
d.
If you happen to be the third wheel along with
Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins in a disaster movie, regardless of skin color
although it helps, you are a meal. If
the bear doesn’t eat you, the scenery will be too chewed up for you to have a
meaningful life anyway. Embrace your
fate.
e.
Bart the Bear did not get an Academy Award for “Best
Bear In A Bear Attack Movie” that year.
Oddly enough Alec Baldwin won but it was a close race in the voting.
f.
I just can’t get over that first fact!
7.
When driving through an animal park that has
baboons roaming wild, don’t take your demon-spawned child through there. The screaming alone isn’t worth the
trip. Same goes for mysterious black
dogs that show up unannounced at the house.
I know I’m going out on a limb, but it might be the child. Gregory Peck realized this a bit too late,
David Warner even later than that.
8.
Speaking of dogs, when a bunch of Norwegians are
shooting at a husky from a helicopter whilst in the Polar Regions, let them go ahead
and do it. You’ll thank me later. If you choose to stop Bjørn, I hope you’ve got plenty of
flamethrowers lying around.
There are of course many other
points to consider when dealing with our friends of nature. I know that I didn’t even touch on
sasquatches and dinosaurs, but I should hope the ways to interact with those
creatures would be rather obvious. I
mean would you roll your window down to get a better picture of a yeti? I hope the abominable snowman park has good
safety standards with signs available telling me to leave my windows up. Oh, still too soon for this thought? Well it is too late for at least one person that visited a South African park.
