One of the
new and intriguing things we thought we’d try doing was to actually go out for “dinner
and a movie”! We had heard this was a
popular form of “going out and doing something” that many “normal people” enjoy
even though they “have children”. My
wife had eagerly brought this fresh concept up for my consideration. I admittedly was hesitant due to my fear of
new things. Only recently have I
accepted that Richard Dawson is not
coming back to Family Feud and that
the McRib is not a regular menu item.
Needless to say, I was hesitating to procrastinate on delaying my
decision. My wife of course was patient
with me, grabbing my ear and saying in her loving way, “Look buddy, we can do
this the easy way or the other way.
What’ll it be, you chump?”
Bending over at an awkward angle with her fingernail digging into my
cochlea, I helpfully suggested she look up a restaurant she would like to
visit.
After I
stopped the bleeding, I stood my ground and said that I wanted to see a stupid
movie, preferably with explosions of some sort. My bride lovingly waved me off and replied
with a heartwarming, “Ok, fine, whatever.”
She looked up a place to eat that we had never been to, had the
babysitter all ready to go, and looked over what was currently playing at the
local budget cinema. She suggested that
they had the latest offering in the Mission:
Impossible franchise. However as
they still hadn’t brought Martin
Landau in to guest star, I declined.
Then the new Avengers movie
was showing but as Dame Diana Rigg was not asked to guest star, I demurred at
that choice immediately. Displaying her
ever-growing patience with a mask of ever-increasing rage and hostility, my
wife suggested that we see the latest movie to feature people running away from
dinosaurs: Jurassic World. Eureka!
A choice emerged and it only took a swift kick to my left shin by my
loving spouse in order for me to make a choice.
I decided
to read up on this newest installment in the franchise. But I then decided to tool around YouTube
instead, trying to find at least some reaction to the new Star Wars: The Box Office Awakens trailer. But amazingly, the interwebnet has been
completely silent about this movie.
You’d think there would be some reaction from the web denizens, but I
couldn’t find a single positive or negative word about it. (For those of you playing along at home,
please read the previous two sentences in a very obnoxiously sarcastic
manner. You’ll be glad you did!)
Even more sadlier, I also found out
that just typing Jurassic Park IV:
Citizens On Patrol on Google brings up nothing, which is disappointing that
no one thought to combine those great franchises. However, upon 5th thought, I
realized that no matter how entertaining the idea of watching Steve Guttenberg and
a triceratops dive into some good natured hijinks might be, it would never come
to fruition. This is after all is said
and done quite a foolish idea. Like
Universal and Warner Brothers could ever get their acts together to make the
megamovie that I demand.
So after a
rather good dinner and wonderful slice of cheesecake that I shared with my
radiant other half, we adjourned to the movie theater. After the interminable ads and movie trivia,
the film metaphorically unspooled before my eyes and here dear reader is where
I swing into high and give you my thoughts on this blockbuster. And as always, you are welcome!
First a positive thought: Chris
Pratt acquits himself rather well amidst all of these shenanigans. I was more impressed with him than with the
CGI. Apparently Spielberg has said that
if the part of Indiana Jones were ever recast, he could see Pratt in the
role. I know it is heresy to say this,
given how much I love the Raiders
franchise and having Harrison in it, but I would not be angry if Chris Pratt
was Dr. Henry Jones. If he can fight
dinosaurs believably, he can fight Nazis without an issue.
Whew! Glad to get all of the one good thing out of
the way first. But as long as I’m
speaking of actors in this flick, I only recognized Pratt and Vincent D’Onofrio. Oh and there’s also that one Asian scientist who
was in the first Jurassic Park whose name I didn’t learn back in 1993, so I
won’t start memorizing it now. The rest
of cast is a sea of complete nobodies to me.
From that one kid to that older other kid to Opie’s daughter to the
woman that played the mom of the two kids to the black guy that was Chris
Pratt’s buddy, it was a veritable cast of “Hmmm…didn’t I see you serving me at
the Caribou Coffee the other day?”
Now, compare that amazing cast list
to the first movie where you had Sam Neill, Laura Dern,
Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough, Samuel L. Jackson, and Wayne “Newman”
Knight from Seinfeld. I even remembered the little girl was from Tremors for crying out loud! Then look at the second movie, not the whole
thing mind you, just skip around, but there you get Jeff “I Want A Paycheck” Goldblum, Richard Attenborough, Julianne Moore,
Vince Vaughn, that one guy from The West
Wing and Pete “Mr. Kobayashi”
Postlethwaite. And the third one had Sam
“I Want The Same Goldblum Paycheck”
Neill, Laura Dern, William H. Macy, Tea “I’m
NOT Sharon Stone, dammit!” Leoni, and John “Boy, I Got Killed Early In This” Diehl. Now I’m sure some of these Jurassic World castaways are familiar to
some who actually pay attention to the current pop culture trends, but as I don’t,
they’re not. Personally I would have brought back Samuel L. Jackson with a robot arm but I digress.*
Am I supposed to believe that
rational people think that using dinosaurs as weapons is a terrific idea? Then again this is InGen, the corporation
that thought bringing a T. Rex to San Diego was a thumbs-up notion. After hearing Private Pyle repeat this idea
several times, I just thought that he had survived basic training and this was
his final glory. But no, they were serious?! “Yeah Bob?
I would like you to train this ankylosaurus to carry a platoon of men
whilst firing the anti-aircraft guns on its back. Can you get a test demonstration put together
by the end of the month? That’d be
great, thanks.”
Speaking of ridiculousosity, I can
take the leap of faith that Chris Pratt could actually train raptors, but why
would D’Onofrio think that these animals that he had never trained let alone
spoken to would ever listen to him and not disembowel him? This would be akin to my walking into a tiger
cage, taking away the trainer’s chair and whip, and saying “Hey, I’ll take it
from here Roy, you take five, all right?”
Is there a measurement device available to measure the size of Vincent’s
cojones in doing this?
So this new Latiny sounding
crossbred dinosaur was brought about because people were getting bored with
seeing dinosaurs? I’ve got some evidence
that this is a load of hooeyness. Jurassic World has made $1.6 billion.
That’s billion with a big old “B”.
I don’t think people would get tired of seeing live dinosaurs. But as the plot's park data says otherwise, I’ll
go with whatever your hastily wedged together script says at that moment. So you then develop another huge killing machine that
people would love to see, which makes sense. However you also spliced in the ability for this thing to camouflage itself, which doesn't make sense. What’s the point of a major attraction that you can't see? Besides you already cooked up a spinosaurus
that thoroughly kicked a T. Rex’s petooty in the 3rd movie. Why cook up a different super-killer dino in
the first place? Especially since the
only ones that saw it and lived were Sam Neill’s party. Just bring Spiny to the party and save
yourself the time and research money and development.
Ooooh the kids in the movie are
talking! Their parents might get
divorced! Thanks for just throwing that
in at a random moment so I’ll all of a sudden supposed to care about these two scallywags,
Mr. Joe Screenwriter, Esquire! The moptopped
younger child might cry! Let’s suddenly
get invested in these characters without having to deal with labor intensive
plot development!
What was the age group for this
movie? I don’t mean to be stick in the
mud parent here, rightfully passing judgment on those of you who decided this
would be a great night out for the kiddos, but I’ve got a question. The rating is PG-13 which is amazing
considering the toys that I saw on store shelves were for kids far younger than
13. How are these kids getting in the
theater because it was seemingly a bit much for even that age group? I mean sure the children will adore seeing a
massive horrifying pterodactyl attack on the throng of helpless attendees, but
I must draw the line somewheres.
So we come to the end where in
order to stop the hybrid Interminablelous Rex, a raptor and a T. Rex decide to
activate their wonder twin powers and go after the common enemy. So just like a random Marvel comic from 1976,
the heroes put aside their differences to team-up and win. The makers of the movie then stop just short
of having the two victorious dinos give each other a fist pump or a “three raps
on the back” man hug. I actually thought
the T. Rex would have Sam Elliott’s voice dubbed in saying “Thanks, pardner.” as
they go their separate ways into the sunset.
And with that dinosaur roar, it was
done, with future sequels promised since this movie literally printed money at
the box office throughout the planet. My
wife and I drove home to relieve the babysitter that we were sure had started
writing Jack Nicholson’s book verbatim from The
Shining after dealing with our brood for over 6 hours. I sat back as I drove our pontiaciful chariot
home, thankful that I had indeed watched a big summer blockbuster. It had fulfilled my hopes and dreams by being
dreadfully stupid, but oddly nostalgically entertaining. It took me back to my wide 1993 eyes when I watched
the first Jurassic Park movie in the
theater.
But I knew in my heart of hearts there was only one way to improve upon
this franchise. Get me Bobcat Goldthwait’s
number now! Police Academy 8: Assignment Jurassic World cannot die in vain!
* I just wanted to give proper props to my lovely bride for providing that wonderful Samuel L. Jackson idea. So thank you dear for badgering me at length to give you credit for that one.
* I just wanted to give proper props to my lovely bride for providing that wonderful Samuel L. Jackson idea. So thank you dear for badgering me at length to give you credit for that one.
