Points Of Know Return To Sender

Now that I’ve dazzled your eyes with an amazing story of blatantly famous people I’ve rubbed shoulders against, I have decided that perhaps the time has come for you to know a little bit more about me, Benjamin Horatio Nelson Wink, Esq, OBE, Last Son Of Krypton, Lord of the Commonwealth, EKG.

Perhaps by coming down to the level of the common folk, you can better relate to me and my indescribable life and my condescriptive opinions.  Sure others have attempted to describe it with comments such as “pedestrian”, “not that unusual”, and “Yawn.”  (I assure all that the word “yawn” was used and it wasn’t just someone that was caught in the reflexive act of yawning when asked the question.  It is this hard-hitting realism that I know that you demand from me and I am only too willing to give without being requested in the first place.)

But what method will be best suited to convey the ideas that I would like to convoy to you all?  Perhaps a thrilling power point presentation that boggles the mind and creates headaches would work.  Perchance an astounding array of badly scanned pictures would do the trick.  Photoshopped nudity is always a stunning sight.  But no, I have decided to blow open the technological doors and amaze all concerned with this fascinating new function of Microsoft Word: bullet points!  Yes folks, I am definitely not a Luddite for I have never even been to Luddia or even the capital city of Luddiwania.  I am proud to be truly at the forefront of being behind the times by about 15 minutes.

And so without further adoodoo, here these exclusive bullet points for you the reader so you may gain just a smidgen of insight into me, myself, and I.  Do enjoy and share with loved ones and those you can barely tolerate.

·        I have amassed a large quantity of books that I intend to read.  Just as a precaution, I will dog-ear pages of those books in case a guest happens to peruse one of my volumes so they assume how well read I am.
 

·        Some would say that they would never be able to deliberately throw the annual grade school spelling bee that they were forced to compete in.  So I did it two years in a row to prove my point.
 

·        I happen to be from Wisconsin.  If the reader happens to be from Illinois, thank you for the speeding tickets, now get out.  If the reader happens to be from Minnesota, I’ll write slower for you.  If the reader happens to be from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, realize that you are our red-headed stepchildren.  If the reader is from any other state that has an NFL franchise, I can’t explain Green Bay to you.  I would apologize, but you can add that apology together with a half dollar and still only get fifty cents.
 

·        I once discovered how many licks it took for me to get to center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, counting out loud the number of licks as I went along.  If you thought some people on a long bus trip couldn’t get more annoying, let me tell you that I can roll with the best of them.
 

·        Others might have the integrity to leave high school band if they really can’t play all that well.  Yet if you’re me, you stick with it and work harder.  Otherwise you won’t get the easy ‘A’ for your GPA and you’d lose out on the absolutely smokingly attractive ladies in your saxophone section. 
 

·        I once danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.  His tango rivals that of Sean Connery’s in Never Say Never Again.
 

·        If you have given up hope for your future and insist on going to a rather bad Midwestern parochial college in the middle of Minnesota for five years, don’t automatically think that you will have the talent to compose an award-winning blog such as this one.  I worked hard at my not-paying-attention skills and honed them to a fairly sharp point during my sentence there.  However I would not recommend this same path for the faint of heart or for anyone that has the chance to go to an actual college or university.
 

·        I once taped over my parents’ copy of Lonesome Dove in order to get more episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 recorded during one of their Turkey Day Thanksgiving marathons.  When queried, I responded that I had no idea how that could have happened despite the rather large LONESOME DOVE that was written on the side of the VHS tape.
 

·        I have bent cutlery with my mind before then going to actually do it with my hands.
 

·        There are many firm beliefs that I have but towards the top of the importance list is that no matter how large a Rolling Stones fan you are, there is nothing sadder than owning any solo album by Mick Jagger.
 

·        Did you know that there were only 7 copies made of the Slash’s Snakepit It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere album?  Did you know that at any given moment those same copies are shifted across the United States from used record store to used record store in a fruitless attempt to sell them?
 

·        The first time I ever attended a movie theater without my parents or relatives was to see the magnum opus The Karate Kid Part III.  We decided to really show that we were smarter than our parents and sit directly in the middle of the front row.  Ralph Macchio’s face is still burned into my retinas in all of its widescreen glory.  At least it wasn’t The Next Karate Kid.
 

·        I firmly believe that the tomato is the most evil fruit imaginable.  Adam and Eve didn’t eat the apple, one of the most versatile of fruits, because they were chowing down on that slimy seedy orb of death at the time.

Well I hope that these piercing insights help to illustrate just a portion of my amazing psyche to the huddled masses.  Frankly I am amazed that I managed to get two of these posted in the same month.  I am going on such a tear right now, I feel like another Sue Grafton if she decided to start using numbers in each of her book titles instead of letters.