Every once in a great while, my wife
and I manage to get out of the house sans children. Usually it comes in the form of one of us
taking the garbage out whilst the other one gets the mail. We treasure these moments of sheer unadulterated
bliss. But soft, the dawn comes in the
form of the pups we have brought forth on the earth and our encounters like
this must be extinguished quickly.
But in ever rarer circumstances, we actually
get someone to watch the children for extended periods of time. This is a task not for the faint of heart or
even the heart of faint, but after throwing fistfuls of cash at the sitter and
leaving plenty of goldfish snacks in our wake, we can go out! My wife and I even decided to try something that
I’ve heard is recently trending among the twittering young folk or “twits” for
short: dinner and a movie.
What should catch my wandering eye
at the cinegoogleplex? Well, I heard
that there was a new film from a fledgling young filmmaker that might need my
assistance at the box office. After all,
I want nothing but bonhomie for this struggling little cinematic enterprise and
golly, I just want to help in any way that I can. Oh, all right we went to see Star Wars: The Cash Register Awakens. Take my money now, here just take it.
 |
| This is more of Mark Hamill than you'll ever see in the movie. |
No, we weren’t part of the herd of
zealots that were camping out weeks in advance, dressed up in their 4-LOM
outfits as sad looking jedis hide their paunches while staging lightsaber
fights for the ever smirking local news cameras filming a fill-in for the night
broadcast. Instead we waited a couple of
weeks later in the hopes that the crowds had dimmed somewhat…and there still
was an almost sellout crowd. Ye gods
people, really? Is there such a dearth
of entertainment in your life that you’re still going to see this thing? Actually, for us it almost came down to our seeing
The Hateful Eight instead, but as
Tarantino manages to fill approximately 3 hours with chatty cowboys, we took a
pass to go see X-Wing fighters mindlessly shooting things in a shorter runtime instead. Hey, babysitters with nerves of steel ain’t
cheap!
 |
| Okay, here's 4-LOM, as if you didn't remember him from Empire. |
So what about this Star Wars: The Bottomless Sack Of Cash
Awakens? Well, let’s get the
positives out of the way first and no, as I am not 8 years old, I don’t bother
with spoiler alerts. Suck it up
buttercup, I’m going in full throttle and that ought to keep those whiners off
my back.
The two actors that were brought in to
play our two new heroes aren’t bad and I actually grew to like them as the
movie continued. This says a lot in our
day and age and the fact that I have a heart of granite when it comes to new
faces on the screen. But actually I wasn’t
angered by them and am willing to give them a chance. Of course I won’t bother to look up their
names but British Girl and Black Ex-Stormtrooper Dude, you were both just fine!
I’d pay just to see an hour of the Millennium Falcon fly in space and shoot
things. No, really, just have that ship
fly all over the screen and the only complaint I’d have would be that the movie
ended and there was no more Falcon
footage. I’m actually ticked off that
there wasn’t any screen time devoted to that ship in the Captain America: Civil War trailer that preceded the movie. C’mon you’re all Disney now, let’s get some
damn parsecs run in the Marvel U!
 |
| The single greatest toy in the history of the world. Although I only had one Stormtrooper, which made invasions hard. |
Always willing to see more banter
with Han Solo and Chewbacca too, so this was a welcome sight. Why we never got a side movie just based on
their adventures, I will never know. A
missed opportunity. Wait, there is the Holiday Special, isn’t there? Well, that’s fun too! Yay!
Also the new droid is cute, I get
it. Yet I wasn’t annoyed. I should have been, truly. But I wasn’t and I’m not sure if I like that
aspect of my usually cynical hide crumbling like stale bread when confronted
with an adorable basketball that beeps.
Okay, that should just about wrap
things up with the rainbows and puppies!
I have a feeling that this movie is just going to end up being another one
of those “Hmmmm…on second viewing…this isn’t that great” movies. Sure, people are just wetting themselves over
seeing a new Star Wars in the
theater, but the prequels and the special editions got the same reaction. Let’s face it: we haven’t gotten a good Star Wars movie since 1983 and that is
only because we rewrote history regarding our responses to Jedi because the prequels were far worse. This means that we haven’t really had a great
Star Wars movie since 1980. Nineteen hundred and eighty. Yeah, that’s a while.
Now, is this movie great? Nope.
Sure, I was entertained, but I was never pulled into this story like I
was in the originals. Yeah, I know that
I was in single digits and there will always be a feeling of nostalgic magic with
the original trilogy, but all I ask is to be drawn into these movies and I
always had a feeling of disconnect with this latest one.
Too many plot holes would be one big
problem I had. So this Rey character who
has never even bothered with the force before going on this adventure, suddenly
knows that she can mind control like the wizened Ben Kenobi and fully trained
Luke Skywalker could? Ahem, how exactly? I can believe that perhaps she taps into the
force in a moment of emotional chaos like when she was being attacked or
something, but being able to nonchalantly control the weak-minded? Uh, no.
Also she never picked up a lightsaber before and she can successfully
fight someone who has received training?
Uh, no again. I’m sure this was
supposed to raise questions for later movies, but instead I’m just an angry
theater patron at that point. Just say
she’s Luke daughter and be done with it, okay?
The First Order never learned from
the Empire did they? Still making huge
laser beams from places with known weaknesses.
Also they just made their Death Star a Death Planet and harnessed a sun’s
energy to create a planet-destroying beam of energy. This is exactly the power that was talked
about in Plan Nine from Outer Space. Yep, this means that Ed Wood’s plot points were
stolen by J.J. Abrams. Just plain
awesome. Oh, and thanks for tacking on the
Episode 4 & 6 “do or die space
mission to blow up the Death Star” ending here too. I guess when you can’t think of a finale
other than staring at Mark Hamill, this is the safest route to go.
 |
| Old Han Lego figure. Nothing is more depressing. |
Also don’t think that I wasn’t going
to notice there was no explanation as to how Poe Dameron got back to the Resistance
forces after crashing that TIE fighter with Finn on Jakku. Yeah, there was quite the hubbub to get off
of that planet with Rey and Finn, but Poe just managed to hotshot his way out
of there? Somehow? I cannot believe I’m remembering these
characters names.
Speaking of which, as they were
heavily marketed with their toys and nonsense before Christmas, Captain Phasma
and Kylo Ren, I’ve got a bone to pick.
Phasma apparently is all shiny, was featured heavily in promos, and is
at least voiced by a woman. Beyond that
we know that she is shiny and gets a blaster pointed at the back of her head
during her amazing 6 minutes of screen time.
Oh, and I guess she’s evil. I
think.
As for the delinquent son of Han and
Leia, yeah, you’re a brat, that’s all.
Then again with Anakin as your grandfather, I suppose whiny tantrums run
in your family. Do I believe for a
second this little wanker killed Han?
No. Do I believe a contract where
Ford didn’t want to do more of these?
Yep. So as contracts dictate
plot, contracts for the win! Also, your
voice modulator thingy is amazingly grating.
Stop using it. Please.
Why are there the remains of Star
Destroyers and the like on Jakku? Is
this ever explained? Why is there so
much to scavenge? Was there a terrific
battle that we never heard about? I mean
the trailers just hammered this footage home every single time, I had hoped
that it was plot-related…but nope. Is
Jakku the planet that Endor was a moon for?
Did Kylo Ren slaughter ewoks to get his grandfather’s melted
helmet? Agh.
You go the trouble of dragging Max
Von Sydow into this movie and you kill him in the first ten minutes?! Max Von Sydow played chess with death and
this is what you do to him? You also drag
John Williams to score this thing and you don’t let him create anything memorable
in it. Also, Chewie wouldn’t walk with Rey
up the stone steps to see his good friend Luke at the end of the movie? I can understand R2 and 3PO not making the
trek, but the Wookiee can’t make it?
Okay, now I’m getting nitpicky. But I should hope that after all the time and
effort that the product would be better.
Is this worse than the prequels?
Oh, no, not at all. But almost
anything is better than the prequels.
Even Star Trek V is better, oh
yes it is. But perhaps the most glaring
thing I noticed with Star Wars: My Empty
Wallet Awakens, is that the movie seemed rushed and the ending was just
tacked on. It is almost like Abrams took
so much time developing the new characters and then clocked the runtime,
noticing that he had to get to blowing stuff up/Han dying plot moments.
We left the theater realizing the
sum didn’t add up from the parts and decided to go home. Sure it was a Star Wars movie, but it wasn’t really that either. I am hoping that a lot of Lawrence Kasdan’s
ideas were thrown aside, because I expect better from him too. But it could have been worse. This movie could have been Spectre.
I don’t think I could have taken it, if it were.
Oh and would it have killed you to
get 20th Century Fox’s fanfare for this one? It would have been worth the money. At least the Disney logo was nowhere to be
found but their presence was felt, being the dark empire as it is. Perhaps the next movie would have a bunch of
X-Wings fighting Disneyland. Now that’s
a great plot idea! Where’s J.J.?
 |
| Isn't this the most chilling image you've ever seen? |
No comments:
Post a Comment